FF7 in a nutshell

Masteroftheweb · Post by **Masteroftheweb** » Sun Jul 18, 2004 9:05 pm

I’m bored, so I have come up with this FF7 summarization. This is in order of the game time, not game play
It’s spoiler free because I don’t use names (he he he suckers… anyone with half a mind can figure out who I’m talking about)

Boy meets girl

Girl doesn’t notice boy

Boy likes girl and wants girls attention

Boy thinks that if he joins SOLDIER, he can get girl attention

Boy asks girl to meet him at the well

Boy doesn’t think girl will come, that girl hates boy

Girl is surprised but comes

They have talk and make promise

Girl has recently had mother die and thinks that she can meet up with her beyond crazily scary mountain.

Boy follows girl as she goes through mountains

Girl’s pussy friends abandon her

Girl losses footing and falls into a canyon that by all rights should kill anyone

Boy tries to save her but also falls

Girl is in a coma for 7 days and boy is chewed out for “bringing girl to dangerous place”

Boy feels that he let girl down and that he’s to weak to protect girl or anyone else

Boy leaves to join SOLDIER

Girl starts to think of boy often

2 years later boy comes back home on mission, but is ashamed that he could not get into SOLDIER and doesn’t want anyone to know

Girl thinks that boy did not come back.

Soon to be villain, girl, best friend, lackey #1, and lackey #2 (boy) all go to mountain to inspect mako reactor

Group crosses bridge and it breaks, everyone except lackey # 1 survives

Group makes their way up to reactor and boy is posted to make sure girl doesn’t go into reactor

Girl doesn’t know that lackey #2 is really boy

Soon to be villain begins to loss his mind

Kickass villain losses mind and burns the town down.

Boy gives chase to Villain

Girl grabs Masamune and tries to avenge father and town

Boy watches, as girl is NASTY gash and sickening bounce to the ground

Boy watches as best friend comes flying out of room after trying to take on villain

Boy takes best friends HUGE sword and runs to villain

Boy slashes villain across the midsection

Boy goes and takes girl off to the side

Villain comes out with “mother’s” head in hand

Best friend tells Boy to kill villain

Boy goes after villain and takes kick ass sword to the chest

Boy taps into some sort of hidden power and tosses villain aside like a rag doll, effectively killing villain

Boy more than likely collapses

Girls’ martial arts teach comes and takes girl way to save her life

Crazy spasmodic scientist comes and experiments on best friend and boy

Boy is not given number

Best friend is numbered (2)

5 years pass

Man and best friend decide to make escape

Man and Best friend make it to Midgar

Man is out of it and best fiend tries to carry the both of them to Midgar

Man is left for dead while best friend is mercilessly gunned down to the point where it’s actually kinda funny

Man makes it to sector 7, train station (although how he got past the gate, monsters, and junk remains to be seen)

Center of gravity offset by huge fucking tited woman comes along and finds Man

Man recognizes Woman was childhood friend, but his mind is so fucked up that he can’t remember everything and the deep shame of not making it into SOLDIER forces his fucked up mind to think his life was the one led by best friend

Woman and man have brief conversation, woman asks how long it’s been and man says “5 years”

Woman thinks it’s actually been 7 years because woman didn’t know that man was infact in hometown when it was burnt down

Woman decides that she needs more time with man and tells him about renegade team that fights ever corporation that apparently owns THE WORLD minus one town.

Man and Black Hulk with gun for arm go on first mission to blow up mako reactor to save world

Man and hulk succeed

Man meets planet-talking slut that later wants to get to know “YOU” (I think we all know what she meant)

Man makes it back to hide out and tries to leave, but woman talks him out of it be making him remember promise made at well (see line…. somewhere at the beginning)

Man says promise is null and void because he isn’t famous

Man, Woman, and Hulk go to blow up another reactor

Ultimately man falls to his doom (or at least he would have if the law of gravity had any say about it) but hard ass roof and small patch of flowers breaks his fall (yeah….)

Man meets slut again

Slut is immediately turned on because man looks like ex-boyfriend, whom just happen to be one in the same as Best Friend

Enter fucking cool bad guy team

Slut wants to hire Man as a bodyguard

Man and slut make their escape

Man and slut go to sluts house, but at first goes to tube to meet #2 (how can slut not recognize her boyfriend one might wonder)

Man meets slut’s mom

Slut’s mom also sees Best friend in Man

Mom asks man to leave without slut

Man tries…. But fails

Man and slut have talk on playground and see woman go off in Chocobo driven cart

Man and slut chase after woman

Man cross dresses

Man and slut save woman

Man, slut and woman make it back to sector 7 in time to see half the renegade team die

Slut runs off to save little girl

Man and woman help hulk, but fail and escape in just enough time to not be crushed

Man, woman, and Hulk go to save slut

Group gets into evil corp.’s headquarters

Enter Nanaki (he’s to fucking cool to not have a name)

Group gains most kick ass character in ALL final fantasies

Group plus Nanaki save slut

Group are captured again

Group learns that president has been killed by suppose to be dead villain

Group meets new president (yes… corporations are handed down like royalty and the son does become the new president despite lack of any experience)

Group escapes Midgar

Man decides to chase kickass dead villain

Group becomes team

Man goes to Kalm and tells the story of 5 years ago as described in the section…. Up there… but with holes throughout the whole story

Team meets fucking cool bad guy team’s new recruit…. who seems to lack brain cells

Team gets to cannon town

Man saves little girl

Man impersonates corp. soldiers

Team magically appears in boat

Team meets dead villain and fights villain’s “mother”

Teams get to other continent and continues chasing villain

Teams enters hulk’s home town (despite the fact that it’s not his hometown, but why argue)

Team goes to Golden Saucer

Team meets future telling moron

Team goes to desert prison (which is hulks real hometown… but why mention that, lets just let the player figure it out via flashbacks)

Hulk kills HIS best friend

Man wins bird race

Team is set free

Team goes to best friend parents house (yet even after Man’s memory gets fixed… no one thinks to tell these poor people that best friend is dead)

Team goes to Cosmo Canyon (THE best place in the world)

Nanaki learns truth about father

Team gets to Man and Woman’s hometown

Shit hits the fan

Man meets villain face to face

Villain lets Man live

Team gets to rocket town

Enter bitter old awesome guy

Guy has had it up to here with evil corp. *hold hand high*

Guy joins team… cause he has nothing better to do

Team goes to random place and learns about lock opening rock

Team goes back to golden saucer

Man gets lock opening rock

Man and… some person go on date

Man and… some person… chases Moron

Moron turns out to be a spy

Moron despite being a spy wants to help out… or spy on you more… whichever

Man, slut, and random person go to temple of the ancients

Moron valiantly sacrifices himself to make dark magic orb (although it’s not much of a sacrifice considering he’s a fucking ROBOT… and not the AI kind… he’s an RC car… controlled by a remote)

Man gains dark magic orb

Man gives dark magic orb to villain in a fit of insanity

Slut runs off

Man talks to slut in dream

Team goes after slut

Team gains moon instrument

Team gets to ancients city

Team goes to bed

Team finds stairs that weren’t there before (and player hums “stairway to heaven”)

Man almost kills slut against his will

Villain comes down and sickeningly stabs slut through the midsection (the only thing that would have made this scene better would be blood)

Recap: Slut lets herself get killed because she has to return to the planet in order to save it

White orb of uselessness is pale green… indicating that the planet will help save itself

Man becomes pissed that Slut is killed

Team chases after villain

Team comes to snow town and learns the truth behind Slut’s real mom and father

Team leaves Sluts hometown by means of snowboard

Team goes to crater

Team comes face to face with villain whom tries to show Man the truth of what happened 5 years ago (cause remember… he’s fucked up)

Man refuses to listen in a childish manner

Villain tells man that he did not exists prior to 5 years ago

Man tries to remember the holes in his story

Man continues on thinking he is as villain claims… a puppet

Man tricks team into thinking he is alright

Man gets dark magic orb and floats to the ceiling

Man sees the real Villain, as the villain you have been chasing is nothing more than a clone that the real villain’s will took over because he’s to stubborn to be absorbed by the planet

Weapon is released (which I find ironic…. because remember the pale green orb? …. So…. It’s going to save everyone just for weapon to kill everyone…?)

Woman gets knocked on her ass and is put into a coma for 7 days (she has a thing for comas that last 7 days don’t she)

Woman comes to too find that hulk is the only one around

Hulk shows woman planet in the sky

Hulk and woman are to be executed because of this “planet”

Moron saves hulk, and they both try to save woman… but to no avail

Weapon attack cannon town (which is where all this is taking place)

Moron and hulk (and possibly ninja if you have her) make their way to flying ship

Woman is being gassed, but due to weapons well places laser beam, woman is able to escape

Woman runs away and gets into cat fight with evil bitch

Woman jumps for flying ship

Everyone escapes

Blah blah blah

After flying around cause they can (I know I had fun doing it) they find Man

Man is ENTIRELY fucked up

Woman decides to stay with Man

Guy becomes new team leader

Guy goes and gets huge magic rocks…

Guy goes back and has to fight weapon

All hell breaks loose

Woman and Man fall into life stream

Woman helps Man remember everything (My personal favorite part of the game)

Man gets huge magic rock from underwater place

Team goes into space on rocket made missile

Team comes back to earth

Rocket made missile strikes planet and blows the fuck up

Planet is not destroyed and everyone is going to die WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Team goes back to the happiest place on otherworld…. Cosmo canyon

Old floating guy temporarily joins you to go to ancient city

Teams gets key from underwater with sub that was stolen (gotta love stealing every form of transportation from the evil people… except the buggy…. damn that buggy and not being from evil people)

Team goes to ancient city and blah blah blah

The team leaves the city and the coolest weapon comes up to destroy Midgar who now has the cannon city’s cannon

Team fights CW (cool weapon) whom promptly blows you off when it has more important things to do… like kill everyone in Midgar

The cannon fires… killing CW, but not before CW fires shots that will kill most people in evil corps headquarters.

Team tries to go to crater

Team is stopped

Team goes to Midgar for some reason that I’m not going through because this isn’t a walkthrough

Man fights Crazy spasmodic Scientist

Team goes to settle things with Villain

Team fights the last Jenova

Team fights Bizzaro villain

Team fights Safer Villain

Man fights Villain’s will and FORCES him to disperse into the lifestream

Planet comes down and kills everyone

Wait… pale green shit stops planet…

What’s going on?

I don’t get it

The final scene is a 548 year old Nanaki looking over a jungle overgrowthed Midgar

And there you go

Welp folks… that’s all to ff7 when you break it down

A mean 10 pages…. God damn that’s a lot if actually written out…. Something tells me this is a very deep, very good story

he he he sucker… I KNOW it’s a very deep and very good story

on a side note… I would hate to be Marlene’s boyfriend… can you even think of the shit Barret would do to you when he found out you plucked his little girls flower… this is a man who’s reasons behind murder are “he looked like he needed killin’”

berwick upon tweed · Post by **berwick upon tweed** » Sun Jul 18, 2004 11:36 pm

Ever heard of masturbation, Will?

Matt · Post by **Matt** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 1:41 am

berwick upon tweed wrote:Ever heard of masturbation, Will?

HAHAHAHAHA

Idont get where u got all yer info on zack....i never saw him get gunned down by the turks..i mean evil cool gang thingy..yeah the turks

Masteroftheweb · Post by **Masteroftheweb** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 3:55 am

the turks didn;t gun down zack

and I both masterbate AND have more sex than someone shoul get... what does this have to do with my nutshell

kaos · Post by **kaos** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 4:50 am

regular guards as far as I remember.

Masteroftheweb · Post by **Masteroftheweb** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 7:44 pm

yeah, I it was

but I can't remember it it was the standard 2 blue one red giving orders... or just 2 blue... I unno

kaos · Post by **kaos** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:17 pm

I thought it was 2 blue and 1 green.

but I think im confusing the green with FF^ cuzz i dont recall a green guard anywhere else in FF7.

almost sure their were 3.

I'd like to get some detailed information on everything and every event in the basement, on the cliff, and in gongaga
I wonder if gongaga had its own theme music?

Masteroftheweb · Post by **Masteroftheweb** » Tue Jul 20, 2004 3:57 am

I don't think there were any green

I think I would remember that

Post by **Melana** » Tue Jul 20, 2004 12:28 pm

....we are not playing this game again.

Matt · Post by **Matt** » Tue Jul 20, 2004 3:45 pm

i just saw it
4 purple guards,6 black ones(turks i think) and one dressed as jesus

Massacre · Post by **Massacre** » Tue Jul 20, 2004 4:10 pm

...ur speaking privleges have been revoked

Matt · Post by **Matt** » Tue Jul 20, 2004 4:39 pm

"........"

Masteroftheweb · Post by **Masteroftheweb** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 8:54 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA

that is all

Matt · Post by **Matt** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 8:57 pm

yeah two blue and a red

just watched it...no really i did

Massacre · Post by **Massacre** » Thu Jul 22, 2004 5:00 am

umm random point of intrest but did anyone ever notice that if u go back to Shinra HQ during the raid on disc two that they havent cleaned up the bloody mess that sephiroth left behind weeks ago? i suppose that would explain y there are so few staff around the place anymore that would smell bad after awhile