Something Short
Moderator: Xanien
my eyes drift along in a state of disenheartened bliss, overshadowed in a void of darkness that is bound by eternal misery. somewhere i still hear the whimpering of my soul, succumbed to evil thoughts and deeds, seeking out lost redemption. like the howling wind of night, the grip of sanity loosens and slips, as an abyss wraps about me; cold, isolated bliss.
not that i can classify it as any type of poem, but it's the first i've come up with anything in months like this....heh.
not that i can classify it as any type of poem, but it's the first i've come up with anything in months like this....heh.
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"My eyes drift along in a state of disheartened bliss;
Overshadowed in a void of darkness, bound by eternal misery.
Somewhere I still hear the whimpering of my soul,
Succumbed to evil thoughts and deeds,
Seeking out lost redemption.
Like the howling wind of night,
The grip of sanity loosens and slips,
As an abyss wraps about me;
Cold, isolated bliss."
First up, i'll say that I like it. Before I comment all over it and you'll go... great she's rewritten my whole damned poem...evil devil bitch woman
Alot of modern poetry now a days lacks alot of structure like the ballads of old. To me that's a poem as it is. All it needed was the lines seperated to control the way you read them.
Next up, from literary sort of view (mind I have no expertise in this area at all and your more often correcting me than vice versa), this poem has alot of potential to be fleshed out. In a descriptive sort of sense, the imagedry and some of the themes you have in there can be if you want explored upon more.
Alot of my poetry is self indulgent though and I suspect that you'll probably not touch it.
But nice piece of work.
Overshadowed in a void of darkness, bound by eternal misery.
Somewhere I still hear the whimpering of my soul,
Succumbed to evil thoughts and deeds,
Seeking out lost redemption.
Like the howling wind of night,
The grip of sanity loosens and slips,
As an abyss wraps about me;
Cold, isolated bliss."
First up, i'll say that I like it. Before I comment all over it and you'll go... great she's rewritten my whole damned poem...evil devil bitch woman
Alot of modern poetry now a days lacks alot of structure like the ballads of old. To me that's a poem as it is. All it needed was the lines seperated to control the way you read them.
Next up, from literary sort of view (mind I have no expertise in this area at all and your more often correcting me than vice versa), this poem has alot of potential to be fleshed out. In a descriptive sort of sense, the imagedry and some of the themes you have in there can be if you want explored upon more.
Alot of my poetry is self indulgent though and I suspect that you'll probably not touch it.
But nice piece of work.
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- Enforcer
- Posts: 305
- Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2004 9:34 pm
- Location: in front of computay