Assistance.

Vandire · Post by **Vandire** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:02 pm

Well, this is the last place i thought id be posting this, but here goes, a wall of rambling text with a plea for help in there somewhere.

Where to begin? Well, i was engaged, i have a son, Louis, fantastic wee man, like i said, i was engaged, but im not happy with being cheated on, so that kinda ended, but thats only one of my erm, problems is as good a word as any. It all started when i first started going out with my ex, my family hated her, her own family warned me of her track record with guys, they did thier best to prevent us even being in the same area code from each other, we met when i was volounteering at a local charity shop, i got hammered at the christmas party, up on the kareoke and all that, and i couldnt make it home by myself, so i ended up in the same room as my ex, as others have put it, she took advantage of me, tho i wasnt exactly saying no. Despite everyone warning me not to, i stuck by her, she was a bit messed up, but then so was i, i stopped her drinking first thing in the morning, i managed to get her to only drink sociably, which she was happier for. Anyway, time passed, and we planned a babi, i felt i wasnt ready for it, but i figured we could cope, bout a month after my son louis was born, we were at a birthday party of one of her friends, and she ended up making out with one of her (many) ex's, i was angry, wanted to break the blokes face, but me being me, i let it slide, mistakes happen when your drunk etc. The wee man grows up a bit, relationships having the typical ups n downs a young couple who barely know each other properly have, then she decides to come onto my brother. I ignored it, thinking i was paranoid, it took my bro and another mate to tell me what she was doing, and i confronted her, she denied it at first, then i told her who told me, and she admited it, we broke up then.

My question, to the aurians who remember me, or who still give a damn, where do i go wrong? And why is it that im persecuted for everything that happened?

Matt · Post by **Matt** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:38 pm

You have a low self esteem and your perception of acceptable is even lower.

You should've seen pussy that wakes up and drinks straight away as bad pussy and stayed away, instead of thinking "oo, pussy!"

Raise your standards. Get a job, any job, it's a rung on the ladder and generally sort yourself out. Learn to rely on others (those that you can rely on) and trust their instincts.

Stand up for yourself more. Don't let anyone walk on you and if they do, make them regret it.

Vandire · Post by **Vandire** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:41 pm

the morning drinking pussy wasnt something i found out till later, the OP is badly worded, and i agree with the get a job thing, and im hopefully startin college in jan.

As for the self esteem thing, its not that bad, i felt i did the correct thing, and i stood by that desicion regardless of how much it hurt, it isnt an easy thing to watch your only sun bein carted off ya know. The self esteem blow came afterwards, when some people decided to speak thier minds.

Squirrel · Post by **Squirrel** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:23 pm

Okay am gonna say some things that may reopen some wounds here, at least for me. However, I know and understand what you went through. It isn't easy being in a relationship and far more worse when the other person gets drunk 24/7. That's the sort of person Tom was, he reminds people of Pete Doherty btw. My parents warned me about him, even told me I made a massive mistake of going with Tom and leaving James in the background. I tried EVERYTHING to get Tom to stop his drinking, but I also began to blame myself. If I did things alot better, I thought, maybe Tom wouldn't have been like this. I then became a sort of recluse, never telling anybody how I felt I became alcholoic again (which is alot different than being drunk when going out all the time), for a while it eased the low self esteem and gave me false hopes. Then Kay came on the scene, Kay was alot younger than Tom, only 16 at the time and he was 22. But as young girls are, she became infatuated (sp?) with Tom. Tom was a good liar, but I'll never know if he actually slept with her or not. To be honest am glad she did come on the scene because it made me aware that I wasn't to blame for Tom's mass drinking. Plus I owe Tom because I would never have met Ed, my second chance.

But it wasn't Ed that made me realize that I could do so much more. Being single helped tremendously. Now I am not saying everyone should be single to help ease the situation blah blah blah. I nearly got sacked from Tesco at least twice, so by focusing all my energies on my job I was able to do what I wanted the most...train to become a manager. I'm a team leader now, plus I have a small family; Ed who puts up with me and my ADHD and my bipolar disorder, and a beautiful daughter Cassie.

As Guy Ritchie's mum said about Madonna: "If you shop around the low end of the market, that's what you get", that statment I agree with entirely and Matt as well. You need to get to know a girl before you suddenly decide that she is the girl of your dreams or your soulmate. I am sorry but there is no such thing as love at first sight. I think that was were you wnet wrong, and also I think a job will helpo you tremendously. Also, focus your time with Louis, he needs you, not some stupid girl, even if she is his mother.

Post by **Chewi** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:18 am

Vandire wrote:Anyway, time passed, and we planned a babi, i felt i wasnt ready for it, but i figured we could cope...

And that, for me at least, was the straw that broke the camel's back. But let's start at the beginning, shall we?

It didn't begin with Laura. It began much earlier than that, around the time I moved up here. You'd had a rough time. Kicked out of college and out of home. I wanted to see things get better for you so I gave you my support. It was just words but that was all I could give at the time for someone I didn't really know all that well. Echo did a lot more. However, no amount of help from your friends was going to make the damndest bit of difference if you didn't help yourself. And you didn't.

You promised me repeatedly that you were trying to get a job. I believed you at the time but let's face facts here. It's not (or at least it wasn't) THAT hard to get a job. Despite everything I'm about to say, I actually consider you to be an intelligent guy and that does come across when you speak. Either you weren't trying very hard and you weren't even trying at all. And here we get to the crux of the problem. You are the laziest piece of shit I have ever known. I first realised this when you got evicted from your flat. All you had to do was sign on the dole once a fortnight and you were too lazy to even do that. If that's not pathetic, I don't know what is.

Speaking of your flat, the state you kept it in was beyond disgusting. I'm not exactly a proponent of cleaniness and hygiene and I didn't really notice when I visited because you hadn't been there long but from what I heard, it was unfit for pigs by the time you left. The bath was black. The kitchen was full of rubbish piles, mouldy food and who knows what else. I also heard that the council didn't move anyone in there for at least a year after they kicked you out. I wonder why. It was your home to treat as you wished, I suppose, only when Echo and Dani took you in, you didn't bother to wash there (or do anything else for that matter) either. Considering they were struggling to cope as it was, that was hardly a great way to return the favour.

I can't really remember what happened between then and you hooking up with Laura but the point is that you still didn't get a job. Working "voluntarily" at a charity shop because it was the only way to keep your dole money coming doesn't count.

So it's New Year's Eve 2006 and along comes Laura. From the moment she met everyone, it was blatantly obvious that they didn't like her and you must have been blind not to notice. I had actually decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because that's the kind of person I am but by the time she'd sat on MY lap, slapped me across the face and yanked you across the room by your beard, even I was starting to think she was bad news. I really wish I'd told you that but, jesus, did I really need to?

The next thing I hear, she's pregnant. Now accidents will happen as Dani and Becky have proved, only this was no accident as you just stated. So here you are, shacked up with her "family" of societal sponges, the both of you unemployable, her a recovering alcoholic, and you decide this would be a good time to have a baby. Fucking genius. The pair of you can't even look after yourselves, nevermind a kid. And that was it, as far as I was concerned. You'd had your chances. Up until that point, apart from wasting the money of honest taxpayers, you weren't doing harm to anyone but yourselves. Now you'd decided to drag an innocent life into your mess. I can't think of anything more selfish.

At some point, you then decide to show your appreciation to Echo for everything he's done by calling him up and asking him to help you steal some industrial fuses from a supply station. What a great friend you are! Some might say you were just sticking it to The Man but guess what. The Man doesn't owe you shit. In fact, you owe The Man quite a debt and yet you wanted to pull off a stunt like this. I paid £4333 in taxes a couple of weeks ago. It royally pisses me off that even the smallest fraction of it is going to you.

Fast-forward a bit and the kid is born. I at least gave you credit for not giving him a stupid name. I also said that if you and Laura made a good go of it, I would forgive you for having the kid in the first place. Instead, you manage to sicken me to the stomach. Through the lot of you smoking like chimney stacks in that dump and keeping big piles ash and fag ends on the table, poor helpless Louis contracts a hernia. Tell me, how does that make you feel because I really want to know?

And then you split up. I don't care why or who's fault it was because you never should have had the kid in the first place. Everyone else saw this coming a mile off. I was going to say more on this point but I'll save it. It wasn't nice.

So we arrive at the present. Still no job. You talk about college. Nice but I'll believe that when I see it. Why? Well it just so happens that you've recently contracted an ailment that sums you up perfectly. Pilonidal cysts. The most common cause? Excessive sitting. I rest my case.

Post by **Mik** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 9:29 am

Whilst, I lack the personal exp to perhaps comment, shit relationships with other people are hard enough for me never mind parenthood.

I can't for the life of me figure out how you thought willfully bringing a child into an environment like what has been described was a good idea, even remotely. I could think of bunch of shit to say, but frankly I don't feel that qualified to comment, I don't have a kid. But the long and short of it is.

Your a father now, time to man up.

EchoPark · Post by **EchoPark** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:45 am

Remind me not to talk to you about anything else Chewi cos u use if for personal attacks

Vandire · Post by **Vandire** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:41 am

Everything you said, bar one thing there was correct chewi, i dont drink that often, the rest, yeah your right, all of it, im a mess i know that, i dont honestly know whats wrong with me, im not perfect, im far from it, i cant look after myself that well, and i know that, everything i put my hand to turns to shit, i know that, about the only thing thing i have that i can hold onto right now, is i know that regardless of how fucked up i am, and how messed up laura is, Louis will be looked after, it hurts like fuck that i failed to do that myself, and thats not something i find easy to say, but its true, i had no right bringing a child into this world, i should have a job, and i have had a few that ive not spoke to anyone of, why? because i lost them to my own ineptitude, i have very little left to my name, very little to believe in, and i asked for help, and to be honest, your post was exactly what i asked for.

Post by **Chewi** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:10 pm

Of all the things I wrote, that was the one I was least sure about. I don't want to be spreading any lies so I've fixed that now.

I'm not sure whether you meant that post was what you deserved or whether it was actually what you wanted and needed to hear but either way, I hope it helps. It wasn't meant to be just an attack.

To Echo, I did run this by you and offered to scrap it more than once, even after what you just said. It's not fair to go changing your tune now. I gave you the choice because I respected your stance but at the end of the day, it wasn't helping anyone. Nik needs us to be straight with him and I sincerely doubt that he's going to hold this against you. No more secrets, okay?

Vandire · Post by **Vandire** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:13 pm

I appologised to echo n dani for then bein dragged into it, and i both deserved and needed to hear it, the truth hurts sometimes, but it can also be the motivation one needs.

Forgetfuldan · Post by **Forgetfuldan** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:22 pm

Well lets all be positive then and see this as a need for motivation

Post by **Melana** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 1:11 pm

I think you've had some really good advice here. Just try to keep it simple at first, focus on what you want to achieve and give yourself a goal.

Getting a job is a good start, but even if it's just small stuff first. Like getting your resume done, getting references. Remember that the small things you achieve are still accomplishments.

It's a pity that remaining in that relationship seems much more difficult and hard than it should be. But Becky is right, being single allows you the ability to find out who you are without the trappings of being someone else's something. You are your own man and at the end of the day no one can freaking tell you otherwise.

I think maybe getting into some sort of routine would help you too, get out be productive.

Try not to dwell and say 'where did i go wrong', this is not the wrong path... your life is not over, you will not always be in the shit forever. This is just the scenic route that's going to make you appreciate the better things in life. Live it, remember it, learn from it. Move on.

It's never too late for you to step up and have more of a role as a father. I don't have kids so it's hard for me to comment. But from what i've seen from friends who do with people they aren't together with... try and still maintain a pressence. You can be a fucking awesome dad someday.

I know some of the things said in this thread have been harsh but i think they've been said out of genuine concern and wanting what's best for you. Try look past the anger of it and see what you can learn. As you can tell we don't want to give up on you so you shouldn't either.

Vandire · Post by **Vandire** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 1:14 pm

Im not giving up, and ive taking whats been said here and over msn to heart, i do tend to mess things up, but ive got to keep going regardless, and small steps seems the best way to go from here.

Post by **Melana** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 1:17 pm

oh i forgot to say this too.

I'm one who also tends to give people the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes you just have to say no, this is enough. Killing yourself inside so you can give someone the benefit of the doubt or try to ignore the problem, does not lead to happiness.

Vandire · Post by **Vandire** » Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:32 pm

Cheers Melana.

And one other note for chewi, i was forced as youd put it, to volounteer at the chest heart and stroke for 6 weeks, which i did, but before i moved out of Kirkcaldy, i had been volounteering there for over a year, out of choice mind.